When to Speak, When to Stay Silent
A husband has been stewing for weeks about his wife’s spending habits. It started small with a larger than normal purchase, but then a series of smaller anomalous spending flurries seemed to suggest a new habit was forming. He wonders if his wife is simply having a moment, but worries that she may be developing irresponsible new habits. Does he speak up?
A wife wrestles with the pain of hurtful words built up over time. In the early years, arguments with her husband were volatile, his words often biting and cruel. That vicious comment he made when they were only married eight months—it still clouds her thoughts when new arguments arise. Recent years have softened the sharp edges between them and disagreements are much more civil. She wonders, though, if she should risk opening old wounds by sharing the hurt that encourages her, still, to keep him at arm’s length.
In marriage, countless opportunities arise in which a spouse is confronted with questions about the wisdom, purpose, and practical nature of engagement. How do you know if bringing up that hurt from the past will be productive or simply a new iteration of a never-ending battle? Is there a way to introduce difficult topics without your spouse taking it as an accusation? When is one more conversation worth it, and when is it time to lay a topic to rest? Such questions defy easy, formulaic answers. Thankfully we have the truth of Scripture to guide our thinking around these conversations that require discernment and wisdom.
A Matter of Motive in Marital Conversations
When you consider whether to introduce a potentially contentious topic, take time to prayerfully consider your motive in doing so. James lays out the foundation of so many arguments that plague our closest relationships:
What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even the you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.
-James 4:1-3, NLT
When I ask individuals to consider their motives, most will contend that they want to be understood, they want clarity, or they want to find resolution. Hidden beneath these reasonable desires is often a sly temptation to seek comfort for the self. I want my spouse to understand me, but am I just as invested in understanding their countering point of view? If I claim a desire for resolution, will I abdicate being “right” in order to to promote peace?
We can imagine the husband above may question his wife’s new spending habits because he worries some new stressor is causing this unusual behavior. He’s concerned her spending indicates something is wrong and he wants to care for her. We can just as easily surmise that he is irritated that her spending means he can’t afford the golf outing he’s been wanting to attend and he’s ready to sling some mud. These different motives likely lead to very different conversations.
Scripture instructs us to honor the will of God and submit to the Holy Spirit molding us into the image of Christ, guiding healthy communication with your spouse. “Do not be conformed to this world,” Paul writes, “but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2, ESV) When we open our motives to the scrutiny of Scripture, we more clearly see if our interest in initiating a difficult conversation is rooted in our desire to be understood or validated, or if we are truly seeking the godly ends of edification, reconciliation, and submission to Christ himself.
If your goal in discussing a contentious topic is to convince your spouse how wrong-headed they are, or if your desire to “hold them accountable” is simply a guise for poking them in the eye with their shortcomings, keep it between you and the Lord. Seek His counsel through His word. Submit your motives to Him so that you, like the Apostle Paul, might be able to say that you “speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts” (1 Thessalonians 2:4).
Invitation versus Accusation: Starting Conversations with Grace
If you choose to move forward with a conversation, believing your motive to be pure according to the counsel of Scripture, the question becomes how to engage in those tense conversations. The way a conversation begins is highly predictive of the way it will end, so take heed to set the tone thoughtfully.
Your spouse is your ally, not your enemy. Except in extreme cases, your spouse is for you. He or she has a vested interest in your good, and is a vessel the Lord uses to enact His sanctifying work in you. Keep these truths in mind as you consider how to begin a difficult conversation.
Too often we begin contentious conversations with a tone of accusation. Our own anxiety about the conversation to come may lead us to speak carelessly or bluntly, implying divisive messages: My problem is your fault; Your deficits outweigh any minor strengths; I know you better than you know you—and the real you keeps falling short. What devastating messages coming from the one who promised to love and cherish you for a lifetime! Though these messages often come from a place of frustration, pain, or desperation, their impact is no less damaging for being understandable. God’s word instructs us to use words for “building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Ephesians 4:29, NIV).
Consider starting the conversation with a moment of genuine appreciation. The wife harboring lingering hurts might broach the topic with a nod toward progress made: “I’ve been reflecting on our marriage and I am so grateful God has helped us learn to disagree without tearing each other apart. We’ve really come a long way in how we deal with conflict.” A soft introduction invites conversation rather than confrontation.
Opening with an invitation does not guarantee a productive conversation, but it makes it much more likely. In this case the husband has reassurance that his wife can see improvement. Her appreciation bolsters confidence. Her gentleness makes it easier for him to hear that she still feels the sting of hurtful memories, battles feelings of resentment, or struggles to accept her value in God’s sight. It suggests he has a part to play in the continued improvement of their communication. She has honored him by approaching him as an ally, and he can choose to respond in kind.
Contrast this approach with the way a harsh or even passive comment can set a conversation quickly off course. A snippy “All these years later and you still make me feel small” or a sarcastic “You think you deserve a medal for learning not to call me names every time we argue?” makes it obvious when a wife is gunning for a fight.
Fruits of the Spirit in Handling Marital Conflict
Discerning if, when, and how to speak to your spouse about a touchy subject is more a matter of wisdom than anything else. There is no formula. Sometimes broaching a difficult subject shows courage and is a step toward godly accountability. Other times it may spring from a selfish desire for catharsis or one-upmanship. Keeping silent and bearing grief quietly may be a demonstration of grace or an indication of unhealthy avoidance. Our ability to judge these matters and handle such conversations with grace and humility is directly related to our submission to Christ.
Jesus calls us to obedience out of our love for him (John 14:15). As we follow him with discipline and devotion, we become more like him, able to discern when to speak and when to stay silent. Paul reminds us that the fruit of the Spirit is borne of a life surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law (Galations 5: 22-23, ESV). Fruit grows from a healthy root, and it is our rootedness in Christ which allows us to grow in wisdom so we know how to handle the tough conversation.
If you’re struggling with difficult conversations in your marriage or seeking biblical guidance for communication, our counselors are here to walk alongside you. Learn more about our marriage counseling services.