The Virtue of Doubt
“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” - Proverbs 18:17
Therapy is often conceptualized as it relates to individuals. That is, when we think about the purpose of therapy or what happens in the therapy room we typically think about a client sharing his or her story, gaining insight, healing from past pain, or learning new skills for moving forward. In marriage and family therapy the work is complicated by the added challenge of perception. A husband’s story might not match his wife’s. The adolescent’s story rarely aligns with mom and dad’s. And when stories don’t match, the stakes can be high.
I’ve had wives complain to me about a husband’s “controlling” nature, his “need” to be the one in charge, his verbal “abuse.” All very compelling. Therapists do well to take their client’s words at face value, especially in the early stages of assessment and rapport-building. But it’s not unusual, after hearing a distinctly troubling story from one spouse, to hear a dramatically different one from the other. A husband shares about his “dismissive” wife, his longing for intimacy which she attributes to his “obsession” with sex, and his growing discomfort with his wife declaring herself “unsafe” when he walks away from a mounting argument rather than say something cutting.
Who is the therapist to believe? Is it best to assume the wife is in genuine danger and her husband is domineering and abusive? This is the reality in unfortunately too many marriages. But it is also the case that wives can be disrespectful, critical, and domineering and abusive as well. How’s a therapist to know what’s going on this time?
Of course there is nuance in all of this. It is possible that husband and wife are using the same words with different meanings. It is possible that the relationship is legitimately dangerous and safety concerns warrant strong intervention. It is possible that as emotions have heightened, assumptions have hardened into deeply held certainties that keep husband and wife on opposing sides.
Marriage and family therapy is, in part, a questioning of certainties.
Certainty can be (but is not always) the enemy of opportunity—the opportunity to grow, to learn, to expand. When a couple comes in and each spouse is certain they know what the other spouse is thinking, feeling, and motivated by, one task of the therapist is to provide room for doubt.
What possible motive, other than domination, might your husband have in approaching you this way? What fears or uncertainties may show up in your wife’s manner of speaking? What did you know about your husband/wife when you first married that might explain some of his/her behavior sixteen years in? What gives you hope that tomorrow might be an improvement on today?
A therapist’s probing questions and sincere curiosity in the answers can guide couples to see that motivations are often mixed, and emotions often carry internal tension. The critical husband may also have a genuine fear of failure. The wife who can’t say I’m sorry or thank you may also be convinced she has no one to count on but herself. Beliefs drive thoughts and thoughts drive behavior, and certainty stiffens the links in these chains so change is hard to come by.
The skilled marriage and family therapist fosters curiosity and reserves judgment, seeking ultimately to serve the marriage. Beware of the clinician who uses weighty words casually. Who seems eager to diagnose, eager to appear knowledgeable, prone to become another link in the chain claiming certainty about motives, conditions, or remedies. Each client is a deep well for the discovering, and discernment begins with humility. This means being willing to hear all sides with a desire to learn and holding certainty loosely, with an open palm.
A Closing Invitation
If any of this feels familiar—if you recognize yourself, your marriage, or your family in these dynamics—it may be worth pausing with that recognition rather than rushing past it. Growth often begins not with certainty, but with a willingness to ask better questions and to be curious about what we do not yet fully understand.
Marriage and family therapy can offer a setting for that kind of careful, discerning work. At Firm Foundation Family Services, we seek to approach each relationship with humility, curiosity, and respect for its complexity, holding conclusions loosely while attending thoughtfully to what matters most.
If you’d like to explore whether this work might be helpful for you, we invite you to reach out and begin a conversation.
FAQs
How does a therapist determine what is really happening in a relationship?
A skilled marriage and family therapist listens carefully to all sides, asks thoughtful questions, and resists quick conclusions. Rather than rushing to diagnose or assign blame, the therapist seeks patterns, beliefs, and emotional dynamics that shape behavior over time.
Could past experiences be affecting how I respond to my spouse or family?
Yes. Past experiences can shape how you respond to your spouse or family. Old fears, habits, or patterns may influence your reactions, even without you realizing it. Therapy can help you notice these patterns, understand where they come from, and respond with more clarity, empathy, and curiosity.
How can therapy help improve communication?
Therapy provides a safe space to explore how you speak and listen, identify where misunderstandings happen, and practice ways to communicate that foster understanding rather than conflict.