The Meat
As a parent, you matter. It matters how you ask them questions and how you apologize and how you raise your eyebrows and if you believe them when they tell you something questionable. Your influence in your child’s life is paramount, as is theirs in yours. What a beautiful thing that is!
Tips and Tricks: Why They Let Us Down
We are a culture that loves quick fixes and simple sound bites. When a parenting guru hands out Eight Easy Tips on just about any subject, our desire for easy perfection kicks in. If only parenting could be reduced to a sound bite!
No Guarantees
Wouldn’t we all love a guarantee that our desires will be fulfilled? That our plan A will work out or at least that our plan B will somehow be just as good? I think of all the things I want for my children, all the desires I have for them as they grow and learn and make decisions and experience new things and of course I want to be able to guarantee all will work out for the best—just the way I imagine it.
Defining Discipline
We need to understand that discipline is not, in fact, what we do in response to our children’s unwanted behavior. Our response may be part of discipline, but it does not nearly encompass the whole thing. Because discipline does not happen in response to or because of; it happens before.
Awe and Wonder
We like to talk about our kids needing us and how tough it can be for them to branch out, but I know we need our kids as much as they need us. We need different things; perhaps we have developed the skills to cope more gracefully when the needs are not fulfilled, but we need them nonetheless.
Anecdotal Evidence
Part of why I love coaching is that personal stories are just as important—perhaps more so—than what the experts say. Experts can study populations and norms and trends, but no one knows your family better than you, and no one knows my family better than me. So, in the spirit of sharing a little wisdom from one person in the know to another, I thought I would write about a couple nuggets I have come by in watching my kids grow.
Gratitude for the Sting
As I counted up the defenses and justifications in my head, the stark reality hit me square between the eyes. My frustration has become the norm. The undercurrent of Why are you doing that? or Why aren’t you? has become more than just a rough day, a busy week, a “season of transition.” It’s become the way things are around here. And I need to do something about it.
Parenting with Purpose
It is not your job to live for or through your children, but it is certainly your job to live with them in purposeful interaction to shape and teach them for their benefit. If you didn’t start yesterday, start today. It’s never too late to begin parenting with purpose.
From Deep Within
There are always waters running deep in the depths of our children’s hearts and minds. There will be more outburts, more tears, more anger, more joy, seemingly out of nowhere. We can count on it. There will be times when my first thought is: Well that sure was random. But random, isolated—I’m really not so sure they’re as common as they may appear.
The Best Parenting Resource Available
As our kids get older it may be harder to elicit honest feedback from them. Ask them anyway. Older children may fear punishment or a scolding; they may doubt the sincerity of our inquiry, our commitment to listen, or that their words will have any impact. Prove them wrong. Giving our kids a voice at the table doesn’t mean they dictate; it means that they matter.