Is It Me or Is It You?

A Biblical View of Marriage

In marriage therapy, biblical principles can lead to misunderstandings if we don’t get specific enough. 

One common area of potential confusion is how a believer ought to consider him- or herself in relation to their spouse.

The Biblical Call to Put Others First

On the one hand, believers are encouraged to focus on the well being and needs of others. 

Paul encourages, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil 2:3). When it comes to marriage, he instructs wives to “submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Col 3:18) and for husbands to “love their wives as their own bodies,” nourishing and cherishing her “just as Christ does the church” (Eph 5: 28, 29). 

The mature believer concedes that the thrust of Scripture exhorts the believer to elevate and honor the needs of others above oneself as a matter of righteous living and maturity in Christ.

The Importance of Examining Your Own Heart

On the other hand, Scripture also speaks to the importance of reflection and honest self-assessment. Jesus points out the hypocrisy of those who overlook their own sin but are quick to point out the failings of others (Mt 7:1-5). David implores the Lord to examine his heart so that “any grievous way” might be redirected toward “the way everlasting” (Psalm 139: 23-24). The call to confession and repentance in light of God’s gracious forgiveness (1 John 1:9) necessitates a willingness to look inward. 

So, the mature believer also knows that not only do we all fall short, but that I fall short, I need God’s grace, and humility demands I contend regularly with the sin housed in my own heart.  

On the surface, these two Scriptural principles can appear to be at odds. Focus on others versus run your own race. Husband and wife can spend a whole session hurling biblical platitudes and never getting closer to intimacy. So how do we determine when to focus where?

Applying These Principles in Marriage

The biblical mandate to elevate others above the self is directed largely toward how we treat one another—the realm of service. It relates to the practical application of faith. As James describes it, “faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead” (Js 2:17) Husbands and wives are to elevate one another not because the other is actually more important, but because in doing so they emulate Christ, who surrendered his own legitimate rights for the good of his beloved.

Scriptural encouragement to focus on the self, by contrast, is an exhortation to deal appropriately with one’s own flesh through humble confession and repentance. It is a necessary purging, not a shameless self-promotion. We look inward to examine our hearts and bring to light what sin tempts us to hide. In a fractious marriage spouses may blame or criticize and call their fault-finding biblical accountability. But Scripture reminds us that God uses kindness to lead the sinner to repentance (Rom 2:1-4), not vitriol.  

So the Bible does tell us to focus on others—in order to build them up. And it tells us to focus on ourselves—in order to mortify our sin and seek righteousness. The instructions each have an intended context, and the couple who understands and follows will reap the blessing of obedience.

For couples seeking guidance in applying these principles to their relationship, Firm Foundation Family Services offers Christian marriage counseling to help partners work through conflict and pursue greater understanding.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should Christians focus on themselves or their spouse in marriage?

Scripture calls believers to do both, but in different ways. Christians are instructed to serve others humbly and consider their needs, while also examining their own hearts, confessing sin, and pursuing repentance. In marriage, this means seeking your spouse's good while taking responsibility for your own words, attitudes, and actions.

What does the Bible say about taking responsibility for your own actions in marriage?

The Bible calls believers to examine their own hearts and acknowledge their sin rather than focusing only on the faults of others. In Matthew 7:1–5, Jesus warns against overlooking one's own sin while pointing out the failings of another. Applied to marriage, this principle encourages humility, honest self-examination, confession, and a willingness to grow in Christ.

How can Christian couples practice biblical accountability without blaming each other?

Biblical accountability should encourage truth, humility, and repentance rather than criticism or condemnation. Couples can begin by examining their own contributions to a conflict, speaking honestly about concerns, and approaching one another with kindness. The goal is not to win an argument or establish who is more at fault, but to pursue faithfulness, understanding, and a healthier relationship.

How can marriage counseling help Christian couples apply biblical principles?

Marriage counseling can help couples understand how biblical principles apply to the patterns and conflicts in their relationship. With appropriate guidance, spouses can examine their own responses, communicate more constructively, and work toward greater understanding and relational maturity. For Christian couples, counseling can incorporate their faith and Scriptural convictions while addressing the practical challenges affecting their marriage.