A Freshman Parent's Transition to Higher Ed
When I was a little girl, I wrote a note to my mom that she tucked in a cubby of her desk and kept for years. I don’t recall the message verbatim, but it was something along the lines of Dear Mom, I love you so much that I don’t even want to go to collage.
I remember spelling college as collage. I remember feeling quite grown up to know what collage was. And I remember thinking it unfathomable that I would ever want to leave my mom to venture off to the wider world. Mom meant home, and there was no better place than that.
I think of that childhood innocence as I prepare to deliver my own kids to their respective colleges later this month. In the midst of discussions about finances, shopping for dorm supplies, coordinating calendars for parent weekends and school breaks, and cramming in as many minutes of quality time as we can manage, the reality is fast sinking in that in a couple weeks the house will be quiet and the world, for my kids, will grow bigger.
What Colleges Teach Parents About Letting Go
One unanticipated aspect of moving kids to college for the first time has been adjusting to the welcome mat put out by three different schools. I’m not talking about how the schools welcome their incoming freshmen, but how they welcome the incoming freshman parents. I’ve been invited to school-sponsored sporting events, book clubs, welcome dinners, orientation weekends, committee positions, fundraising events, and private parent portals. I’ve been apprised of local eateries, lodging options, local traditions, and advice on booking my visitor registrations and campus parking.
I admit, it’s been a little overwhelming.
Granted, I am getting hit in triplicate because I am sending three kids to three different schools at the same time. But I also marvel at the different approaches of each school, and the implicit messages they send by virtue of their degree of parental hand-holding.
One of the schools seems to think my child is a young adult. Correspondence so far consists of an email inviting me to a shared portal for the purposes of financial disclosures and other administrative necessities (if my child grants me access.) They’ve also added me to their occasional online campus publication. It’s informative.
One of the schools seems to expect I will care a great deal about their athletics program and is eager to sell me season tickets as soon as I can get my wallet out. Oh, and once my child moves in I can stick around for a 90 minute family send-off dinner, if I’m interested.
And one of the schools treats me as though I am sending my precious babe to Kindergarten. I receive multiple emails each week with soooo many words about how hard it must be to send my child to college. But don’t worry!
They assure me they have all the necessary supports in place for us all to thrive, despite the very real possibility that one of us will probably have an emotional breakdown before we step foot off campus after move-in day. This is the school charging my child an exorbitant family orientation fee regardless of whether or not the family plans to attend a full day of welcome workshops and needless goings on during which we all admire how soft a landing the school has provided and lament how difficult it will be to drive to.
Perhaps you can tell I prefer the approach of the first school. By far.
Are We Preparing Our Children for Adulthood?
I have heard and witnessed for years the societal infantilizing of our children. Culture encourages parents to hover, protect, oversee, and intervene.
We need to pay more attention to how these habits hobble our children’s ability to adopt the mantle of adulthood. Just this week the Wall Street Journal published a piece on disruption in the workplace when parents intervene, some of them calling their adult child’s supervisor to plead for second chances after their child has been let go. Seeing the difference between a college that assumes maturity in my child and myself versus a school that assumes we will need a cry room stocked with tissues and mental health professionals is sobering.
Supporting Independence During the College Transition
I pray all three of my kids prove themselves mature and capable at their new schools. I have no doubt that all three will. But I am curious to see how the environment each of them inhabits also shapes them by virtue of the cultural expectations, preparations, and assumptions about my kids’ ability to rise to the occasion. College is meant to be a place of growth, maturity, and intellectual challenge. I am eager to see what the years ahead hold for them, and for me, as we all embark on this new phase of education.
Navigating a major life transition?
Whether you're preparing to send your child to college, adjusting to an empty nest, or supporting a young adult through a new season of life, you don't have to navigate these changes alone. Firm Foundation Family Services provides counseling for adolescents, young adults, parents, couples, and families throughout Ashburn, Loudoun County, and Northern Virginia. Our clinicians are here to help you process change, strengthen relationships, and move forward with confidence.
Ready to take the next step? Contact us today to schedule an appointment.
FAQ
How can I support my child during the transition to college?
One of the most valuable ways to support your child is by encouraging increasing independence while remaining emotionally available. College is an opportunity for young adults to develop confidence, problem-solving skills, and resilience. Parents can provide guidance without taking over, allowing students to navigate challenges while knowing they have a trusted source of support when needed.
Is it normal for parents to struggle when their child leaves for college?
Yes. The transition to college is a significant life change for the entire family. Many parents experience a mix of pride, excitement, grief, worry, and uncertainty as their children begin this new chapter. These emotions are common and deserve acknowledgment as families adjust to changing roles and routines.
How do I know when I should step in versus let my college student handle a situation?
Every situation is unique, but whenever possible, allow your student to communicate directly with professors, advisors, employers, or campus staff before intervening. Learning to advocate for themselves is an important part of becoming an independent adult. Parents can offer perspective, coaching, and encouragement while allowing their child to take the lead.
Can counseling help families adjust to major life transitions like college?
Yes. Counseling can provide support for both parents and young adults as they navigate significant life transitions. Whether the focus is managing anxiety, strengthening communication, processing changing family dynamics, or building confidence during a new season of life, therapy offers a space to explore these changes with guidance and support.
Does Firm Foundation Family Services provide counseling for college students and parents?
Yes. Firm Foundation Family Services provides counseling for adolescents, young adults, adults, couples, and families throughout Ashburn, Loudoun County, and Northern Virginia. Our clinicians support clients through life transitions, anxiety, relationship challenges, family changes, and many of the emotional adjustments that accompany new seasons of life, including the transition to college.