Freshman Perspective: Where I Come From, Where I'm Going
Guest post contributed by Abigail Cunnington, friend of Firm Foundation Family Services
Recently I came across my parents arguing. I heard the tone of their voices first, tense and strained. I stopped to observe. First came my dad’s footsteps, abruptly leading him out of the room, then scuffing the floor as he walked back. I heard him respond to my mom, sighing through the phrase. My mom blinked twice and cocked her head to the side. She was about to ask a clarifying question; she was going to level with him. A few words in, she closed her mouth and straightened. My dad was interrupting, his eyebrows raised and his eyes lowered to the floor. My mom was trying to meet his gaze.
Standing in the doorway, I heard myself in them; I saw myself in them. My dad’s heavy pacing and stoic lack of eye contact were attempts to reveal frustration while simultaneously disguising hurt feelings. I saw how my moms’ eyes were trying to communicate both her own side of the story and a sincere interest in his side of the story. She stood taller once she recognized that continuing to argue would not prove constructive at that moment.
Watching them, it dawned on me: I am my parents’ daughter. And something about that just seemed so cool.
Of course, this information wasn’t new to me. But for the first time, I recognized it as more than just a scientific fun fact. I am 50% of each of my parents, and with that comes an opportunity to observe two of the people I love the most in myself. As I’ve gotten older, the similarities make themselves known more and more: I have my mom’s passion for writing, her affinity for baggy clothing, her desire to be understood, her explosive laugh. I have my dad’s gumption, his respect for deep conversations, his eyelashes, his tendency to appear aggressive in his earnestness. As their kid, these similarities are reminders that I belong to someone; that I am special to someone; that I’m not a mistake. As a young adult, they build my confidence.
I wish I had the words to express just how awestruck this makes me. As my mother’s daughter, I’m challenged to grow into the woman I’m meant to become, gleaning from her example qualities I want to emulate (such as her patience, her extraordinary ability to make people feel heard, and her utterly selfless way of loving others) and consciously honing the strengths she’s inadvertently passed on to me. As my father’s daughter, I’m given a chance to think about characteristics I want in a future spouse (like his natural ability to wear his heart on his sleeve, and his wisdom in knowing how to balance silliness and seriousness) even as I learn to adopt what I admire about him into my own character.
The traits and tendencies I have in common with my parents are opportunities for me to connect with them. I understand my mom and dad better, even when I don’t agree with them. They also remind me to be thoughtful about which qualities I foster in myself and which to fight against.
The areas where I differ from my parents are proof that I have something unique to offer those around me, my parents included.
I am 19 and headed off to college in three days. By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be 600 miles from home. Everyone and their mother has told me that college is all about discovering yourself and finding your niche. I’ve heard from teachers, church leaders, and bright-eyed college freshmen that it’s about solidifying your values, perspectives, goals, etc. all in the absence of parental input. I don’t doubt that that’s true in many ways. But as my room gradually got organized into boxes, it occurred to me that this era of personal discovery is less about learning surprising new things about myself and more about navigating through new things with the skills, insights, and values that I’ve already developedparallel to my parents throughout the first 19 years of life.
Rather than finding out who I am at college, I want to go to college with an idea of who I already am, open-minded enough to allow that person to change. I’m lucky enough to boast parents who were (and continue to be, even from a distance) models for me and who gave me space within our home to embarrass myself and make mistakes that would serve as a check engine light for me. College is not an escape from my parents. It’s a chance to take their examples and engage with them each in a new way, learning from them before making up my own mind about who I want to be.
For another perspective on this season of change, read Carrington Cunnington’s reflection, A Freshman Parent’s Transition to Higher Ed.
Major transitions can bring changes for both young adults and their families. Firm Foundation Family Services offers individual and family counseling for those navigating changing relationships, growing independence, and other life transitions in Ashburn and throughout Northern Virginia.
If you or your family want to see how Firm Foundation Family Services can help, schedule a consultation with our team.
FAQs
What changes emotionally when a student leaves for college?
Starting college can bring excitement, uncertainty, independence, homesickness, and questions about identity and belonging. Students may begin making more decisions on their own while also reconsidering the values, relationships, and experiences that shaped them at home.
How can parents support a child who is transitioning to college?
Parents can support a college-age child by staying connected while allowing room for greater independence. Listening without immediately solving problems, respecting changing boundaries, and creating space for honest conversations can help the parent-child relationship evolve during this transition.
Is it normal for family relationships to change when a child goes to college?
Yes. College often marks a shift in the parent-child relationship as young adults become more independent and parents adjust to a different role. These changes can create both challenges and opportunities for families to understand one another in new ways.
How can college students maintain a strong sense of identity?
Knowing the values, relationships, experiences, and personal qualities that have shaped you can provide a foundation as you encounter new people and ideas. College can be a time to explore and grow without feeling that you need to completely reinvent yourself.
Can counseling help with the transition to college?
Yes. Counseling can provide a place for college students and young adults to work through stress, changing relationships, questions about identity, homesickness, anxiety, and other challenges that can accompany a major life transition. Family counseling may also help families navigate changing roles and communication patterns.